Dear Mike

That time of the week when our resident psychologist Mike_m235 answers your questions about Life and Football.

Unlike last week, this week I will skip the editorial and tell you a story.

My room is full of flies. The other day I had to have my heater fixed so they had the door open for awhile and a bunch of them got in.  I’ve killed a bunch of them, so I’m not really sure how there are so many left. They must have been hiding. Either that or the flies are secretly cloning themselves. I think we have to consider that possibility. I’ve started leaving the dead flies around as a warning to the others, but it’s like they aren’t even paying attention. There’s a small chance that I’m losing my mind.

 

Flies don’t like the cold.  This probably explains why they like my room, because it’s in the fifties outside and it’s about seventy inside.  That’s my only explanation.  I don’t have food or anything in there.  Unless you like dead flies.  So my new plan is to crank the air conditioning on and drop the temperature in my room to the point where the flies stop moving.  Once they slow down enough I’m going to get a set of chopsticks and go Mr. Miyagi on them.  If you don’t know that reference, stop reading right now and go watch the Karate Kid.  The original one, not the one with that kid from that horrible After Earth movie.
For those of you who aren’t culturally deficient, on to this week’s questions.  Oh, and War Eagle.
Dear Mike,
What have you been doing with all the extra time you have now that you’re not hanging out on the blog?  Obviously you’re not working.  What does someone do with an extra 20 hours a week?

Ed in Exeter
Dear Ed,

Great question.  I’ve turned my talents toward investigative reporting, and I think you’ll be surprised at the results.  For example, you may have heard that three people were stabbed in the Broncos parking lot after the game.  “Reporters” claim that they were fighting over a parking issue.  But I reached out to my contacts in Colorado police departments (Don’t believe me?  Google ‘Colorado Police Chiefs in Afghanistan’  I have sources.)  I got the real story.  It turns out that the Denver fans weren’t fighting about parking at all.  The three men were arguing about who loved Peyton more when things took a tragic turn.  Two of the three men have since been hired by ESPN.  The third man was black, so he got sentenced to 12 years in federal prison.
Dear Mike,

I just found out my wife is pregnant.  I’m a huge Patriots’ fan, so if I have a boy, obviously I’m going to name him either Tom or Brady.  But what do I do if I have a girl?

Dan in Dorchester

Dear Dan,

You could still give a daughter a football name.  You could call her Peyton.  Of course then you wouldn’t like your own kid, so that’s probably not a good idea.  And she’d probably have a giant forehead.  Really when it comes to naming girls, you just want to avoid anything that sounds like it fits well after “And now, welcome to the stage…”  Less obvious, but you also don’t want to give a daughter a name that’s the same as a university.  For example, you don’t want to name your daughter Liberty.  Because then you’re going to have to listen to young men make the joke that they’re hoping to get in to Liberty.  And then you’re going to kill them.  And who’s going to go to your daughter’s softball game when you’re in prison?  This phenomenon will be trending in the south this year as hundreds of people name their daughters Auburn.  You know, because, well…War Eagle.  I’m going on record now and predicting a spike in the murder rate in Alabama in 17 years.  Although it’s the south, so maybe 15 years.
Dear Mike

**********

Mark in Manhattan
Dear Mark,

Interesting.  You had some good points about Eli Manning, but apparently the Seahawks picked them off.

 

Dear Mike,

I’ve heard a lot about ‘football gods’ and karma.  Do you think such things exist?  If so, what do you think they’re thinking?

Rick in Roxbury
Dear Rick,

You mean karma, like Peyton saying critics of his cold weather play can shove it one week, then losing the next week to that cold weather powerhouse, San Diego?  You mean karma like everyone anointing New England as the new number one seed in the AFC only to see them lose to Miami?  You mean karma like everyone saying Cincinnati was now the two seed prior to them going out and laying an egg against Pittsburgh?  Nope.  Don’t believe in that at all.  As to what they are thinking, IF there were such a thing as karma, I’d predict it to kick Miami in the junk this week.  They just defeated New England, and if they win out, all they need is for Baltimore to lose to either New England or Cincinnati over the next two weeks.  Meanwhile, Miami faces lowly Buffalo this week.  That’s a sure win.  Yeah…right.  But if there’s anything I’m 100% sure of, it’s that Denver is 100% sure to get the top seed for the playoffs.  Nothing could possibly stop it.  Really.  Nothing.  I’m not trying to jinx it, I swear.
Dear Mike,

Should I start Marshawn Lynch in my fantasy playoffs?  I have Bobby Rainey, who is going against the #28 fantasy run defense while Beast Mode is going against the top fantasy run defense.

Stuart in Sussex
Dear Stuart,

Speaking of fantasy football, I made it to my finals last week based on the strength of my decision to start Ryan Matthews.  I know that doesn’t help you, but I just wanted to type something nobody has ever said before in history.  As for you, you wouldn’t be in the playoffs in the first place without Lynch.  Benching him now would be like dumping your girlfriend for another girl just because your girl was going through a tough week at work.  Which you should never do.  Unless the other girl is significantly hotter.  From a FF perspective, Bobby Rainey is not significantly hotter than Marshawn Lynch.

 

That’s all the time we have for this week.  Hopefully you all remember what I’ve taught you over the last several weeks.  Most significantly, Bunny is a dude.  Merry Christmas.

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